Monday, November 16, 2009

This might be the easiest coming out story yet.

I didn't tell my girlfriend when I was gonna come out, I mentioned to her a few times over a two week period that I was tired of hiding and I had a feeling one day I was gonna just tell my mom; and that's pretty much what happened. I got tired of that knot of anxiety every time I thought about my mother, so I picked up the phone and said "I need to talk to you about something and I'm really not sure where to start." She sighed a little and said "Just tell me." And I said "I'm gay." I'd imagined that it would have been a lot more difficult than that, and a lot more disastrous. She definitely isn't ok with it, but she took it very calmly and looks forward to "helping me make the right decision that will help get me into God's Kingdom." Seriously, she pretty much said that. She's happy I told her so she can help me. So, really I know the worst is yet to come.

After I spoke to my parents and my brother and a close cousin, I told girlfriend I'd come out the most important chunk of my family and it had all gone very well. She was a little blown away I think and said "Yours must be the easiest coming out ever."

I think she's right, and I think I owe a bit of that to my sister. Last November my sister-in-law said to me "Your dad seems to think you're gay. Apparently your sister called him and said something. Nobody wants to say anything to you, but I think you should know, and, are you?"

Being gay is not something I felt I had to or wanted to hide from the rest of my family, so my concern about it being known was the possibility it could get to my mom. I had to call my sister and ask what she'd said to my dad so I could nip that rumour in the bud, but she swore she hadn't told him anything. I am as certain that she did tell him as a person could possibly be without confirmation so I was hurt and pissed that she didn't tell me the truth. First off, noone in my family would have absolutely any reason to question my sexuality, and secondly my dad repeated to my brother - and my brother to me - verbatim what I'd said to her.

I'm still very wounded that she not only betrayed my confidence, but that she also lied to me when I asked her about it. However, despite my hurt and slight loss of faith in her it turns out she actually did me a favour and I am grateful. If she had not betrayed my confidence last year, coming out to my dad and brother this week would have been a lot more difficult than "It's true, I'm gay."

I suffered no stress whatsoever over coming out to my dad and siblings, I'd given it a couple passing thoughts over the years, but I had no angst left over from worrying about my mom to truly worry about them, so I just called them a bridge I'd cross after I dealt with my mom. My sister saved me any stress about them because when she outed me even though I didn't confirm it when I spoke to them both last year they made it clear that it wouldn't change anything between us. My brother said "if that's what you are I don't care, you're still my sister and I love you, and just be yourself." and my dad said "Baby, you're still my daughter, it doesn't change anything, and it doesn't change your last name."

Sunday, November 15, 2009

for me, such a revelation, but the world carries on without so much as a ripple.

In my opening post I said I believe my purpose in this life is to face my truths. I knew if I were untrue to that I would suffer so I started this blog to help me mitigate the effect being closeted would have on my life, but:

It failed, rather than helping me with the burden of keeping my secret, every time I logged in was a reminder of my my failure to live up to my purpose. Also, it turns out the only real way to alleviate the pressure of a truth untold is to tell it.

So I did. I came out to my mom; and it went as well as can be expected.

I will continue to post here, but now with the comfort of being who I am rather than as a daughter hiding from her mother.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Let's talk about - lesbian - sex baybee

I had few and far between girl on girl sexual experiences while I identified as Bi; so really and officially I largely consider my current relationship my initiation into the lesbian world.

One of the things I'm being educated about is the spectrum of gender identity. I don't think that a lesbian HAS to identify on - and stick to - either side of the masculine:feminine ratio. My take is do whatever makes you happy, and I took it for granted that it was like that in the community, but I'm figuring out that there are rules and expectations about how you're expected to behave based on how you look and identify.

For myself I look like a femme but don't necessarily behave as one in our relationship while my girlfriend looks like a butch but doesn't necessarily behave like one in our relationship. It's very fluid and we're happy with that.

I can't see it being any other way; so when she commented to me the other day that she's happy to be able express her feminine side in our relationship I was a little surprised. When I asked her why she thought something like that's a big deal she explained that in the past she's had women lose interest when she behaved less aggressively. Wow.

For a minute I thought that was really whack cause I think it's acceptable to want what you want and be who you are. But I gather it's not really ok in some areas of the community. There are some women who identify as very butch, and some women who want only that; and some women who identify as super femme and some women who want only that. I think that's ok. Where we run into trouble is by not talking about it before we enter a relationship ,we get our wires crossed and end up with a woman who's a poor match and we create situations where women feel like they can express only one extreme of their aggressive/submissive self.

Before she and I started dating we had conversations about our expectations; she expressed certain "butch tendencies" that I explained I wouldn't find satisfactory in a relationship and told her what my ideal situation is and she did the same thing. We discussed what would make us most comfortable in our relationship and we still continue to talk about it.

In that way, I've come to be with a woman who is (and is happy to be) a great balance on the butch femme scale for me rather than the extreme butch I first started talking to and would not have been very comfortable in a relationship with.

I'm sure this isn't going to be true to every situation, but it kinda shows how important it is to talk about what's important to you on this scale, and to make room if necessary for each of you to flex whatever muscles - or not - you desire.

So, I think we should put it like safe sex, on a list of things you need to discuss before you make that big step into a relationship

Monday, November 2, 2009

Atlanta Pride

I had been planning for months to go to Atlanta Pride with my girlfriend, but we're doing the long distance thing and in the end it was just too expensive for her to come; and since so much of my plan to go rested on her being here I almost didn't go at all. But:
I've lived in 3 different Cities since the beginning of the year - and spent a few months in another country and did not manage to make it to any of the Pride celebrations that were going on so it was really important to me that I get off my ass and get to Atlanta Pride. Cause I love Pride and all.

And that's what I did, after moping around Friday and Saturday I got off my ass on Sunday and went by m'self; and I'm glad I did.

There were some great resources there and some really cool booths. I saw some cuties, some boobs and got hit on - once - am I getting old?

I almost didn't watch the parade but I'm glad I did; it was good to be in that moment of whooping and cheering for gayness. And I teared up a little when the PFLAGers came marching by the with their I love my gay kid signs - probably because coming out to my mom is heavy on my mind these days.

Aaaanyway. Atlanta Pride? Awesome. But there are no two ways about it.. the girlfriend better find her ass here next year.