This might be the easiest coming out story yet.

I didn't tell my girlfriend when I was gonna come out, I mentioned to her a few times over a two week period that I was tired of hiding and I had a feeling one day I was gonna just tell my mom; and that's pretty much what happened. I got tired of that knot of anxiety every time I thought about my mother, so I picked up the phone and said "I need to talk to you about something and I'm really not sure where to start." She sighed a little and said "Just tell me." And I said "I'm gay." I'd imagined that it would have been a lot more difficult than that, and a lot more disastrous. She definitely isn't ok with it, but she took it very calmly and looks forward to "helping me make the right decision that will help get me into God's Kingdom." Seriously, she pretty much said that. She's happy I told her so she can help me. So, really I know the worst is yet to come.

After I spoke to my parents and my brother and a close cousin, I told girlfriend I'd come out the most important chunk of my family and it had all gone very well. She was a little blown away I think and said "Yours must be the easiest coming out ever."


I think she's right, and I think I owe a bit of that to my sister. Last November my sister-in-law said to me "Your dad seems to think you're gay. Apparently your sister called him and said something. Nobody wants to say anything to you, but I think you should know, and, are you?"


Being gay is not something I felt I had to or wanted to hide from the rest of my family, so my concern about it being known was the possibility it could get to my mom. I had to call my sister and ask what she'd said to my dad so I could nip that rumour in the bud, but she swore she hadn't told him anything. I am as certain that she did tell him as a person could possibly be without confirmation so I was hurt and pissed that she didn't tell me the truth. First off, noone in my family would have absolutely any reason to question my sexuality, and secondly my dad repeated to my brother - and my brother to me - verbatim what I'd said to her.

I'm still very wounded that she not only betrayed my confidence, but that she also lied to me when I asked her about it. However, despite my hurt and slight loss of faith in her it turns out she actually did me a favour and I am grateful. If she had not betrayed my confidence last year, coming out to my dad and brother this week would have been a lot more difficult than "It's true, I'm gay."


I suffered no stress whatsoever over coming out to my dad and siblings, I'd given it a couple passing thoughts over the years, but I had no angst left over from worrying about my mom to truly worry about them, so I just called them a bridge I'd cross after I dealt with my mom. My sister saved me any stress about them because when she outed me even though I didn't confirm it when I spoke to them both last year they made it clear that it wouldn't change anything between us. My brother said "if that's what you are I don't care, you're still my sister and I love you, and just be yourself." and my dad said "Baby, you're still my daughter, it doesn't change anything, and it doesn't change your last name."

for me, such a revelation, but the world carries on without so much as a ripple.

In my opening post I said I believe my purpose in this life is to face my truths. I knew if I were untrue to that I would suffer so I started this blog to help me mitigate the effect being closeted would have on my life, but:

It failed, rather than helping me with the burden of keeping my secret, every time I logged in was a reminder of my my failure to live up to my purpose. Also, it turns out the only real way to alleviate the pressure of a truth untold is to tell it.

So I did. I came out to my mom; and it went as well as can be expected.

I will continue to post here, but now with the comfort of being who I am rather than as a daughter hiding from her mother.

Don't accept me, just gimme my rights and leave me alone.

By far my favourite person in the world is my sister. I adore her and she is my sense of place in this world. Y'know that one person who always makes you feel like all can be right with the world again cause she's got your back?

Yesterday she told me as a lesbian I'm entitled to as many rights as pedophiles and zoophiles (sex with animals). She also said that gay people ought to go live in the woods instead of demanding rights from decent people, because being gay is not normal.

I expected my sister to have my back always; so this is a huge blow I can't even begin to think about how to recover from, or how to begin the dialogue that addresses all the irrational points on which she rests this judgment of me.

The weight of her statement, and my fear that we might not recover has pressed me into silence I can't seem to break, while she continues to talk to me as if life carries on as normal. I don't know when I will be able to articulate to her, but here I want to tell her that each of her arguments is flawed because:

The debate about homosexuality in America boils down to a matter of religion and therefore belongs in the church, not in matters of law and governance. I don't hold that the church has no power, and no say about the rights of homosexuals within its doors, but I have chosen to live in a country that is separate from the church therefore until I am inside their doors they have no damn business in my business.

The bulk of this debate is based on religion, so I need to address if from that standpoint as well. Even the bible as a basis for judgment is flawed; as far as I'm aware a sin is a sin is a sin. The bible teaches (I'm told) that no sin is greater than another, but my punishment for being gay is so much greater than for a host of comparable sins. Last time I checked adultery was a big fat sin but the government allows rights based on common law marriage status. I want that right.

I agree that homosexuality is not "normal" when judged by social standards of what is generally practised and accepted. Personally, as a gay woman I'm not asking to be considered normal, I'm telling everyone that I've got the right to practise my abnormal lifestyle same as other subcultures are allowed the right to practise theirs.

I don't see anyone telling these guys they've got no right to pursue these abnormal lifestyles; and what's more the government supports that right through regulation of the tattoo and piercing business. I want that right.

Being homosexual is very different from pedophilia and zoophilia in these very important details: free will and consent. To ask for sanction for pedophilia and zoophilia would be to sanction the violation of a being who does not consent. The choice my girlfriend and I have made to be in a relationship with each other deviates from societal norms yes, but it's a deviation we both consented to, and neither one of us is violating the other. See that BIG DIFFERENCE there? I'm not asking for the right to violate anyone. I just want to be able to buy a home with her, share our finances and have her carry our babies without worrying about my rights to be with and take care of our children in case something happens to her or between us.

I might take that one step further to talk about other consensual sexual deviations from the norm such as S&M, Swinging etc. Those sexual behaviours aren't "normal" but the general consensus is "that sure is weird but what they choose to do in their bedrooms is their business", and should they chose to marry and adopt and file taxes and have health insurance and immigration rights they sure can. I want those rights.

After some thought, I can see that this debate of homosexuality is a debate of religion and morality, and a question of where the lines are drawn between church and state. The separation of church and state was brought about so that the church would not be able to dictate the mechanics of government. However this is tempered by the fact that government is directed by the majority - which in the case of American society is directed by the school of christian/religious morality. Therefore, on paper there is a separation but in practise there is a failure because the church can still dictate from behind the sidelines. Perhaps this is a bigger debate about the need for a separation of the morality of America and the morality of the church; because as a democracy (y'know all people being equal before the law?) the adoption of christian morality does not service all of the people. However, I know that's a big conversation, so at the very least maybe we could start with an exploration of why gay rights do not fall under - but should -the category of pursuits supported by the separation of church and state.

Read more about separation of church and state here. It's a really good exploration of some of the points of separation.

The Ripple Effect

My purpose in this incarnation is to be fearless with my love and with my truths. So far so good; except with this one thing:

I can't tell my mother I sleep with women because that truth cannot exist between us without creating an acridity that will strain our relationship.

It's not the shame of my sexuality that prevents me telling that truth; it's the fear of losing her. She is a christian who believes homosexuality is a perversion and a sin, and she won't be able to accept that I have fallen out of God's grace. Our conversations will begin to orbit her need to change me and I'll have to let her go to maintain my self and I'm just not ready.

I've always been gay and I am proud of my sexuality and I don't want to change, but for most of my sexual life I identified openly as bisexual among my friends, but avoided relationships with women so I wouldn't have to talk about it with her. Now, I sleep only with women and I have chosen to live in the closet because though I can't spare her the pain of my sexuality forever, I can spare her the most painful way of finding out - from someone else.

We can't buy our parents protection from who we are - my omissions are intended to buy me time to appreciate her and our relationship in a way I was incapable of when I was younger. This blog is where I'll come to talk about the price of my journey to letting my mother go.