Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Ripple Effect

My purpose in this incarnation is to be fearless with my love and with my truths. So far so good; except with this one thing:

I can't tell my mother I sleep with women because that truth cannot exist between us without creating an acridity that will strain our relationship.

It's not the shame of my sexuality that prevents me telling that truth; it's the fear of losing her. She is a christian who believes homosexuality is a perversion and a sin, and she won't be able to accept that I have fallen out of God's grace. Our conversations will begin to orbit her need to change me and I'll have to let her go to maintain my self and I'm just not ready.

I've always been gay and I am proud of my sexuality and I don't want to change, but for most of my sexual life I identified openly as bisexual among my friends, but avoided relationships with women so I wouldn't have to talk about it with her. Now, I sleep only with women and I have chosen to live in the closet because though I can't spare her the pain of my sexuality forever, I can spare her the most painful way of finding out - from someone else.

We can't buy our parents protection from who we are - my omissions are intended to buy me time to appreciate her and our relationship in a way I was incapable of when I was younger. This blog is where I'll come to talk about the price of my journey to letting my mother go.

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

When the time comes, there are literally hundreds if not thousands of sites, a great site is called SisterFriends Together, and churches that can help. Just make sure are called AFFIRMING churches. (Accepting churches are only sort of accepting, you must remain celibate your whole life according to their beliefs.)

There is also the book and DVD A Prayer For Bobby, that addresses a mother's journey to find out the truth after her son commits suicide because of her religious rejection. Not implying anything at all there, it's just the mother was very anti gay.