Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Downside of secrets

I am not completely in the closet. While I identified as bi-sexual I was open with friends, but with the exception of my very best sister it was not something I talked about in my family.
We still don't talk about it in my family, but last year my secret slipped from a misguided confidence in my other sister, to my dad and around until it came back to me in the form of a question "Your dad seems to think you're gay... is this true?"

When I asked my dad if he wanted to talk about it, he said she hadn't told him anything but "is there anything you want to tell me?" Since I'd decided not to come out to any of my family until my mother knows, I left it unconfirmed but told him "if you have questions I am perfectly comfortable answering them... and oh, please don't talk to mummy about this. You know it will kill her."

I am not sure what good it does any of us not to talk about it, and frankly I'm a little uncomfortable with how easily I can let myself believe a little that they don't know because I haven't told them just cuz while I am resigned to whatever flack results from people knowing I'm not ready to officially accept the banner of gay child/sister.

And on further introspection, it's amazing to reflect now on how easy it was to be ok with it when everyone thought gay was just a cool quirk of my sexuality, and to realise that gay as your whole sexual identity swells to take up so much room in how you and most others see you.


Rebecca said...

I know coming out is a process. Took me 35 years, then another two to come out to my mom, then six more months to come out to my dad....

Scariest thing I ever did. But so worth not living a lie anymore.

Just go at the speed you feel comfortable with.....

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel