Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Let's talk about - lesbian - sex baybee

I had few and far between girl on girl sexual experiences while I identified as Bi; so really and officially I largely consider my current relationship my initiation into the lesbian world.

One of the things I'm being educated about is the spectrum of gender identity. I don't think that a lesbian HAS to identify on - and stick to - either side of the masculine:feminine ratio. My take is do whatever makes you happy, and I took it for granted that it was like that in the community, but I'm figuring out that there are rules and expectations about how you're expected to behave based on how you look and identify.

For myself I look like a femme but don't necessarily behave as one in our relationship while my girlfriend looks like a butch but doesn't necessarily behave like one in our relationship. It's very fluid and we're happy with that.

I can't see it being any other way; so when she commented to me the other day that she's happy to be able express her feminine side in our relationship I was a little surprised. When I asked her why she thought something like that's a big deal she explained that in the past she's had women lose interest when she behaved less aggressively. Wow.

For a minute I thought that was really whack cause I think it's acceptable to want what you want and be who you are. But I gather it's not really ok in some areas of the community. There are some women who identify as very butch, and some women who want only that; and some women who identify as super femme and some women who want only that. I think that's ok. Where we run into trouble is by not talking about it before we enter a relationship ,we get our wires crossed and end up with a woman who's a poor match and we create situations where women feel like they can express only one extreme of their aggressive/submissive self.

Before she and I started dating we had conversations about our expectations; she expressed certain "butch tendencies" that I explained I wouldn't find satisfactory in a relationship and told her what my ideal situation is and she did the same thing. We discussed what would make us most comfortable in our relationship and we still continue to talk about it.

In that way, I've come to be with a woman who is (and is happy to be) a great balance on the butch femme scale for me rather than the extreme butch I first started talking to and would not have been very comfortable in a relationship with.

I'm sure this isn't going to be true to every situation, but it kinda shows how important it is to talk about what's important to you on this scale, and to make room if necessary for each of you to flex whatever muscles - or not - you desire.

So, I think we should put it like safe sex, on a list of things you need to discuss before you make that big step into a relationship


Laura said...

Communication is the key to any relationship, whether with a friend, a family member, a co-worker or a lover. I hope you both continue to communicate openly. It can make or break a relationship.

Also, in reference to the "community," I think the more comfortable you become within yourself the more comfortable you will be within the community. I know it's easy to identify yourself within a community where you feel safe, but don't let it define you and don't let it define the other members of the community you come across. You all share something in common, but that does not make you cookie cutter people. Don't worry about what "gender role" you're required to play because you identify yourself as a lesbian. You're a human, an individual, first. Figure out what YOU want, and don't let bias (even within the community itself) define you.

I don't mean to preach. You've obviously figured this out for yourself. I just wanted to offer little friendly encouragement.

Furtive Life said...

Thank you.. I appreciate you throwin in.